I have been thinking a lot lately about my role as a parent. As you know, I have 3 children - ages 17, 10, and 8. I had my 17 year old in my early 20's, and made a lot of mistakes. I always knew deep down inside in those early years, I was selfishly finding my way through parenting. I didn't really have a good role model for motherhood, and it showed. And although my daughter has a lot of medical issues, she also has overwhelming mental health issues. I can't help but think that if I was a better mother in those years, that things would be easier for her.
We moved around a lot - 7 apartments in 3 years, and 2 long term hotel stays. Her father and I divorced before she was 2 years old. I feel that this "trauma" has turned what was already a hereditary predisposition for a mental health diagnosis, into a real life disorder.
Fast forward to my role as mother for my youngest children. Am I a perfect mother? No. But I am older, and understand what it is to be a good mother. I realize that my job as a parent is to love and nurture them - and to keep them out of the way of the trauma that my oldest experienced.
I look at my little ones, and see how happy and stable they are. It breaks my heart to think that there could be a moment, a split second in their life that could change them forever. I work very hard to keep them in the happy bubble of life that they are currently residing in.
Trauma, Part 2
Parents worry about keeping their children trauma-free, but what happens when the parent experience the trauma? Who helps a parent through that split second in their life that changes them forever? Particularly as parents of children with special healthcare needs - we work to keep our kids happy and safe, but rarely think about our mental health. We suffer through the small traumas daily. Sickness, diagnosis, social exclusion - all challenges that parents persevere through. It is that big trauma we are not prepared for.
Recently, a friend of mine and her husband lost their 6 year old son. My heart breaks for the pain and unfathomable feelings they experience every hour of every day. Each minute brings new pain. A memory or a milestone that burns their heart.
Their son passed on a Monday in September. For working parents, Mondays are a transition that we complain about - back to work or back to school. Our Mondays will pale in comparison to theirs - FOREVER. Every Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthday, or "happy" occasion is marred by the memory that will never be. This trauma is hell.
How do you support parents through this breed of pain? I think that every person is different. I am learning from this family, that they want to talk about the boy that brightened each life he touched. And even though I am on the perimeter of their "village", I look to them for strength and realignment of my priorities. I learn from their Facebook posts about what it means to be parenting through trauma. Whether they know it or not, they are teaching others how to live life.
Back to my original question - who supports a parent through trauma? The answer is anyone and everyone who has a heart. A friend that can make you smile or laugh for 5 minutes. Your husband, your wife. A brother or sister. Your faith. A stranger. YOU.
As I am writing this blog, "Fix It" by Coldplay came on my Pandora music station. The lyrics match this entry perfectly:
"Fix You"
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
