How I Do It

As a working Mother of 3 children, two of which have disabilities, people often say, "I don't know how you do it."   My response was always, "I have no idea either, but I do."  Deep down I knew that if I didn't "do it" nobody else would, and when you do not have any other options - a Mom has to do what a Mom has to do.

Part of me thinks I have strategically bitten off more than I can chew career-wise, because if I actually did have down time I would probably just spend it in bed feeling bad for myself.  I keep busy because I have to.  I am a scheduling queen.  Between 3 jobs and 3 kids (4 if you count my husband), my day is packed.  There is no wiggle room or room for error.  And that keeps me sane.

If you are a parent of a child with a disability, you probably hear about self-care all the time.  Well meaning friends and relatives say things like  "I hope you are doing something for you." with a pitying look in their eye. Although sometimes I feel guilty when people tell me to "take care of myself".  I feel this way because when I think of self-care, I think of physical things.  I feel bad because I am not running, or eating better.  But then I refuse to allow myself  to have negative feelings over an idea that is supposed to make me feel good!  I do practice self-care.  When I can afford it, I get my nails done.  I even go to the salon to cover my every greying hair with a nice shade of blonde. 

I recently signed up for Paint Nite as a fundraiser for my sons school.  I have wanted to do one of these events for the past few years, and was very excited when the opportunity arose.  It looked fun, and creative - right up my alley.  I was lucky enough to be able to experience this night with some of the best people I know. 

The night started out great - drinks, and lots of laughs.  But within 45 minutes of arriving, I realized something.  I don't have fun anymore.  I can't seem to will myself to have fun.  It was nice to be out - but as I sat around listening to everyone laugh, drink wine, and tell funny stories - I felt nothing.  This was supposed to be one of those self-care activities, and it didn't feel fun at all.  In fact it made me feel worse because I couldn't participate like everyone else was.  I just wanted to go home.

It dawned on me that I can juggle everything in my life - but the price of being able to do so is steep.  I am not capable of allowing myself to have fun anymore.  Sure, I can achieve spurts of fun here and there.  I can laugh at a good joke, and have a nice lunch or coffee with my friends, but I am not fun.  This realization struck me because I used to be really fun.  I was the first one to arrive, and last one to leave.  Sadly, that is not me anymore.

The idea stuck with me for a few days, and I thought about it a lot.  I tried to analyze the night, and come up with excuses or reasons why I felt the way I did.  But it all made me fell pretty crappy. 

In the end, I decided I am okay sacrificing my fun-ness for my kids.  If being a bore is the way I keep them happy and healthy - it's fine with me.  Motherhood is about giving your all to your children, and my all just happens to be my fun side - and that is okay with me.